Saying Goodbye
by soldier for the living
Summary: Set after the Bitterist pill. J.t hasn't moved on yet and has a chat with those who mattered most.
1. Sean and Emma

He stood in the doorway she had tears in her eyes but Sean had her and just held her like it was supposed to be. They were talking silently, they had what I wanted love. I smiled to the two of them when Sean's mouth opened and closed like a blubbering fish. Emma turned to the door way and saw what he was looking at. She promptly fell off the bed. I ran to help her up but I couldn't grab her, my hand just went through her. I ran a hand through my hair.

"It can't be... Your dead." She stuttered.

"So I just found out, Liberty was quite frank on that." I sat on the chair as Sean helped her up.

"What are you doing here?" I shrugged.

"I'm not sure, death is nothing like what I thought it would be. I mean they talk of white lights and its painless but quite frankly is was really painful, and I don't see any white lights so I am here." She shook her head at me.

"Why aren't you with Liberty." I smiled.

"I was just laying with her, I was able to hold her hand and that's why I am not sure why I couldn't help you up. I'm still trying to figure everything out, why I can't just go to a land of oblivion or heaven." She closed her eyes and fought the tears that threatened to spill.

"Why J.T. Why you?" I thought that a lot since I died.

"I can't tell you. I don't know myself. There are a lot of What if's in life but why wonder on them? You can question the rest of your life why I died yet you will never find an answer." I looked to Sean.

"Why do you keep going back to him Emma?" I turned my vision to her.

"Because I love him, I don't get why you would ask that."

"Sean same thing." I smiled at him as he looked to her.

"No, shes home. Something I never had and when I am with her it seems at least one thing in my world is alright." Emma looked to him shocked. If I didn't know what to do while dead I could at least have the lies we've told each other come out and end.

"I asked because you need to see the bigger picture. I've wised up a little since Liberty put me in my place way back when. You see that you need to separate the schools but isn't that what created the mess? Our schools maybe together and full of violence. But as a famous person said " In violence, we forget who we are." Beneath all the pain we are still human, err well you are. I'm a ghost or something. Anyways, the point is if you separate the schools then the violence will always remain. We are still apart of Degrassi, and in that we've seen a lot, but when I fought with Liberty, I almost forgot that I loved her. You are fighting with people who have people who could easily do to you what they did to me." I pleaded them with my eyes to see reason. They needed not to fight as much as I would of loved to, but I had to be a man I couldn't forever remain a boy.

"It's so messed up though, your not there. They act like nothing happened." I smiled at her.

"Why would they react to something so far from them. They know nothing of the pain your feeling, how will they act if they don't see reason."

"I know but. It's just hard." Sean said.

"Life is hard. But you gotta just roll with the punches. Shake hands with Liberty even if the blood is on their hands. And no I don't mean Liberty Van Zandt I mean Lakehurst end the feud." I stood and walked to the door.

"When did you become so insightful."

"When everyone stopped looking, the party had nothing to do with my death. Stop blaming your self Emma." I turned and heard her soft cries.

"Thank you J.T." I gave a slight chuckle before I said something that I knew would put a smile on her face.

"Well that's me, Mr. Thoughtful." I faded out the door hearing the faint goodbyes. They would be ok over time. Once they stopped blaming them self's and Emma forgave Manny. The party was my last chance to tell Liberty I love her. But I ran out of chances when I let her walk away after saying things about Mia.


	2. Tobes

My friend sat at his computer, I heard the things he was saying. I didn't stop him, it was his way to deal. He had to heal. Like Liberty had to hear that I loved her, or Emma know that it wasn't her fault. My friend had to cope with losing a brother. He was wrong, I would always watch out for him. Emma still didn't heed my words and there was a fight between Lakehurst but the thing that surprised me most was his podcast degrading Lakehurst. Don't get me wrong I hate the school, but like Liberty told him only one person killed me not the school. Now I see why he did it all.

"I miss you JT and I know that violence just multiples violence in the deep, dark something, but it sucks that Lakehurst people are in our halls and you're not. It's not fair, but maybe with so many new people at Degrassi, maybe there's someone like you and as they say, strangers are just friends you haven't met yet."

"That's right my mentally challenged friend. And Liberty would be so disappointed that you couldn't remember her quote. She takes pride in remembering it all." He continued to stare at my photo on the ground. Toby gave a slight chuckle.

"It's like your here with me, It's like I can hear the response you would have had." I chuckled.

"Ok now I'm going crazy, it's like I can hear your voice." I tried to compose my self.

"Yes and when you turn around Tobes I will be there." He turned and he came face to spirit with my smirk. I have traveled a lot in the last few months since I died. He backed to the headstone, this was the most shocking reaction yet.

"H..Ho...How?" He finally managed to choke out. I walked to him.

"I wish people would stop asking me that." I sat next to him, one good thing about being a ghost is that I never get cold.

"I mean, Just your dead."

"I wish people would stop stating that, after Liberty it was enough. I get the point." He looked to me.

"You look, like you did when you died."

"Ah no I don't I am peaceful now, no more pain or blood loss." He stood.

"How could you be here. Your dead! I heard the doctor say I lost you!" He all but screamed at me. I remained calm on the ground.

"I know. I can't explain why I am here, I haven't been able as they say cross over. But a dude does have to talk to you. What were you thinking kissing Liberty?" He shuffled.

"Umm." I stood now.

"Umm. I die and you kiss my girl knowing I love her? What the hell bro? No one is listening to me. I told Emma not to fight and she did. Your peace treaty is off the table. It's ok to be angry that I died. But when Liberty sees reason and you don't, the world is wrong." I walked with him as he went to his car mumbling the whole time some thing like this isn't real or I'm going crazy.

"I won't leave, till you talk I hope you know that." I said frankly. I haven't been able to move on, till the thing on the persons mind is lifted.

"J.T. just leave me alone." He got in his car and I slipped through the door to the passengers side.

"You can't block me out, Tobes." I know why I am here with him, he blames him self as do the rest. They all hold regret. I've realized this.

"J.T. why now? It's been months, you have to show now? I've moved on." I shook my head this was not going to be easy and I wanted to see Liberty tonight.

"Yah moved on alright, nice speech back there. Your only suppressing it. This isn't like you Tobes."

"How would you know? You left me J.T. alone, I had to pick up the pieces. You never told her and it's all my fault. I should have had you lie to her and then it would of never happened."

"I did lie to her." I hadn't been able to remember much of the night I died until now. Her walking away after I said I loved Mia.

"What?" He looked at me shocked.

"I told her I loved Mia, she walked away. That's why I left the party, she left me and I had to see if I could find her. You lied to Liberty when you didn't tell her I love her."

"So your here to guilt trip me?" I put my feet up on the dash.

"No. I can't move on for some reason, only thing I can think of is you guys holding me back. I came to terms with losing her. You haven't come to terms with losing me." He drove to his house.

"I did J.T."

"No your suppressing it. Holding it in hoping that one day, you feel as if you've lied to your self and I will walk the halls again. But I won't. You can spend your whole life looking and I won't be there. You are my brother but I am dead. You have the life to live, so do it! Find someone, not necessarily Liberty because of history but someone." He pulled the car over.

"I can't, your gone J.T. I will always be looking for some glimpse of you. You may have gotten on my bad side but were brothers till the end." I smiled, he came to terms on his own.

"Never know where or what you will find a piece of me in. Look around I am everywhere." I smiled before I slid out of the car. It was to much of a deep day. I did my newest trick and turned invisible before I took the whoopee cushion that Tobes held from when he took the contents of my locker. I filled it and set it down on his desk chair, a classic but something that showed him I remember. Remember all the times as he stood by me as a brother.

"Goodbye Tobes." I walked out into the midnight moon, off for another evening of watching them sleep.


	3. Manny

I was in the old supermarket Toby and I would buy popsicles from before we returned to the park and got into many numerous water gun fights with the girls. It reminded me of those warm summer days in back in 6th grade before life got complicated. I walked the isles and I saw Manny with Jay. I walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hey Manny."

"Hey J.T." It took her a minute before she spun around and dropped her eggs on the floor, the almighty crack told that she just busted up a dozen eggs. Her hand was on her mouth and that is when I noticed the ring on her finger.

"So who's the lucky guy?" I smirked at her but my smirk slid when her face turned pained. I always saw Manny as a sister after our horrible relationship and realizing that Liberty was the one for me.

"Whats wrong Manuela?" She didn't even laugh. Just stood there in shock with Jay supporting her up.

"It was my fault." I looked at her like I didn't know what she was talking about, she just spilled everything.

"The party was my idea, if I never had it, you would of never died and Liberty would be happy." Liberty was unhappy? It dawned on me, she would always be unhappy she lost me at seventeen. I hadn't felt any pain since I died but as I stand here with Manny it is as if they stabbed another hole in my back. I felt cold as the freezers we were standing next to.

"Liberty is unhappy? I've only seen her once, she was the one who told me I was dead. I didn't know she was unhappy." She looked at me exasperated.

"Of course she is unhappy the one she loves is gone and has no chance of a future with. How would you feel at that fate?" She slapped her hand to her mouth in realization what she said. I held my face passive not showing the pain she was bringing me, I never meant any of this. I wasn't supposed to die at seventeen. If this was some sort of torture they should of just kept me alive or sent me to hell.

"I know that fate well, You all get to live why I'm stuck here because you all are in regret of my death. I want to be up above watching over her, or by her side till she dies. Dieing at seventeen and knowing you had no chance to live sucks. My son will never know me, I never had the chance to go see him. Never had the chance while I was alive to tell her I loved her more than my life was ever worth. But the life we should of shared is worth more and I wished I could of realized that."

"J.T. I didn't mean that." She looked sad.

"You did. Hey it's only making me wonder, I will have eternity to wonder so yeah know you just gave me my material. Who knows maybe up there they will uh, like my stand up comedy." I winked at her.

"J.T. your material was way out of date." I looked up.

"I don't think there are clocks where I am going, everything is the same day the day you died and walked across the gates. Tell Liberty something for me, I tried to be a hero. She will know what I mean. The party isn't my reason for death, the party made me realize what I was missing. If I never went to the party I would of never realized that I still loved her, that I was lying to Mia and my self. In a twisted way it was the way I was supposed to go with a bang and a shocking exit." She smiled and tried to hug me but it was like hugging air, I couldn't grasp her but she could feel my presence like she saw me.

"Jay take care of her for me." I turned and walked away knowing that with Jays help one day she will forget all the pain that I brought and I will just be a fond distant memory.


	4. Mia and Grams

She was walking home alone, it wasn't smart now that Lucas was around. I walked with her and kept silent and hidden. I saw a tear course down her cheek.

"Why JT did it have to be you?" I became known.

"I wonder that my self." Her hand went to her heart and she sprayed pepper spray on me but it fell through my form like a mist. I looked down feeling a bit more pain and seeing the blood on my hands.

"Your... Dead" I gave her I know that look.

"Honestly does everyone have to tell me that?" I walked with her till we were in a park. We sat down on the bench.

"Why are you here? How is it even possible." I smiled at her.

"I'm here to make people see sense before I move on, you all blame your self's everyone but you. It helps me learn of the mistakes I made and why." I took her hand but she pulled away feeling a chill. I still hadn't got that right.

"I loved you but you only loved her." I smiled sadly.

"That is true, but I did love you Mia just not like Liberty." She turned and looked out over the pond where the moon reflected on the icy surface.

"Why her? Why couldn't we be happy?" I leaned back.

"We had history Mia, I never wanted to give up my son, It wasn't Liberty's fault either I sold drugs. It was a dark time that shouldn't have been. We were bringing life into the world and that you understand. But with her I felt the insecurities not realizing she was just scared it ended. We were happy if I remember. Things I said about Liberty though were a lie." She stood and looked at me shocked.

"You are just a jerk JT." I stood with her and getting angry.  
"No I did what I did because I never wanted my past to collide with you. I thought if I forgot about it, it would just disappear. But once you found out and Liberty and me began fighting again, I knew I loved her. Hatred is a curved blade that does harm to yourself. That's what I think of my death, the hate that was filling me because I kept both worlds separate to crush me in the middle. When I was stabbed, I told her I loved you. Never said I loved her, I never got that chance. Mia your young and we both made mistakes." I yelled at her, the air around us warmed with heat that began to become hot enough to burn. I looked away and thought of Liberty till the air cooled.

"Why come back. If you cared but not enough to be with me..." I shut her up.

"I did care that's why I was with you not Liberty! I came back to help you move on, so I can I don't want to be dead and stuck here for the rest of my life. So if all of you can stop feeling sorry for your self's I can move on." She stepped back as if I slapped her.

"Go JT." I sighed. I didn't want to yell at her.

"I chose you because you were smart, funny, cute and a mother. Being a father was a wish of mine. My father fail me as I failed my son. Hold Izzy close, I did love her and you." I turned and pushed my self through time till I reached my Grandmas house. I walked through and saw my room, it was left untouched, my skateboard was leaned up under the window. My bed hairstyle made. I noticed my favorite shirt missing. And my cologne. I smiled. Liberty. I walked to my Grams room and in the dark moon light I saw her asleep.

"It had to be me grams. You didn't understand why but I never told you of the fighting. They wanted Liberty and I was the one in their way. Dating Mia didn't help but as ticking time bombs go at one point they will explode. It was an accident, if not me then another. I said shit that night, my world already fell." I gave her a sad smile as I turned to go but she stood in front of me I looked to the bed and back.

"Heart attack James. You dieing was to much on my old heart. One last person to go then it will be me and you in heaven. Shes been visiting me James, likes to sleep in your room, to smell what used to be you. It helps her remember but not as a painful memory. Go to her James and I'll meet you on the other side." I felt the puncture, I knew I had little time left, time was replaying its self for me only if I didn't have the same ending.


	5. Liberty and Home

I stood in her door way, she was reading that book again. She had her back to me but her bare shoulders just attracted me. It made me think of how we got into that mess back in junior year. She put the book on her nightstand and turned the light out.

"Come lay with me JT." I smiled of course she would know. I went to her and snuggled up with her. It was the only one I could touch and hold and kiss fully yet knowing it was just both of our imaginations creating what we experienced.

"It's my last night, tomorrow I'll be gone for good." A tear soaked my shirt. I felt the pain and I knew my end was drawing near. I looked to the clock and saw it read ten I had three hours left with her.

"I can't believe this is it JT. I love you and it hurts so much knowing your gone." I held her tighter remembering the feeling of her soft skin.

"As corny as this may be, it feels like my heart constricts every time I have to say goodbye. I wish I had another week, a year with you. So in the flesh I could of told you I love you, I never stopped. I was a down right jerk but I never stopped Libs." A tear dragged down my cheek that she wiped away softly with her thumb. I leaned down and kissed her remembering every little detail, every feeling, smell.

"You know it's not your fault." She leaned her head on my shoulder.

"Why does it feel like it? JT your gone, somewhere were we can't be together." I adjusted so I could look into her eyes.

"Life and death are just two adventures. When you die in many years I will be waiting on the other side for you, Never forget me Liberty." She smiled but it was a sad smile.

"How could I forget the great James Tiberius Yorke." I chuckled.

"Give me one last Liberty Van Zandt smile." I looked at the clock. 12:20. Forty minutes.

"Now listen closely, Look for a guy who sees the fire that burns in your eyes when determined, has a sense of humor, and most importantly will stand by you. You deserve that Liberty, but if you do meet someone and fall for him tell him of your past, holding the two apart will create issues later and people you could fall for are at an arms length. Your smart, beautiful and full of life, you deserve some one like that too." I gestured throughout the whole thing using all the things she loved about me one last time.

"Someone like you." In a way I knew she would never find someone like me.

"No, don't look for me. Look for... Look for someone who will treat you right, I didn't all the time. But don't look for me in every quality, I'm one of a kind." I smiled. She laid down and that was how we spent my last half hour on earth. The clock read 12:59. I materialized and saw flesh. My one wish. Liberty woke to solidarity of me.

"My last wish, is to tell you in the flesh, I love you Liberty Van Zandt and always will." I gave her one final last kiss with warm lips before the clock chimed one and I felt a pull, I saw Liberty droop and fall asleep on her bed as I was being tugged upwards. There wasn't a gate, nothing. I saw my grams, and Degrassi? But on the steps were all my friends, and my baby boy in Liberty's arms? I was confused. My grams came up to me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Welcome to your heaven, it is your greatest wish something your subconscious wanted all along." I smiled, a family. Might be dysfunctional but they were mine. I walked over to Liberty and held my son. My grams stood in a bright light and I waved knowing she was going off to her piece of heaven. It was Home.


End file.
